“It’s just what we need? And you decided this.”

by kattiewampus

I had to take a break from blogging.

Several factors were involved:

1) I’ve been on vacation for the past week and a half, and just got back on Sunday.

2) I had writer’s block.

3) I had an identity crisis of sorts.

I didn’t want to stop blogging. But I hit a point where I was using my blog as a tool in working through my break-up: either to candidly express where I was at, to offer thinly-veiled rebuttals to my ex, to doggedly try and focus on happier things, or to prove that I was an awesome person on the road to recovery and breaking up with me was his loss.

The problem is, in my efforts to use my blog as part of my healing process, it then became tainted by association. In other words, blogging became associated with the break-up. As the desire increased to distance myself from the break-up and everything connected with it, my interest in blogging declined. My ex’s fingerprints were everywhere in my life. There was no space, physical or psychological, that was completely unconnected to him. Healing became a game of hide-and-seek. I was building up barriers between myself and anything that reminded me of him. I couldn’t listen to music – any type of music – anymore. I deactivated my facebook account. I stopped blogging.

I realized that I didn’t know who I was apart from him. So much of my identity was wrapped up in him and the things that I associated with him, that when he removed himself from the equation, I felt like I lost most of myself along with him.

So, in a way, I feel like I’m starting from scratch. I thought about starting a new blog entirely as a symbolic representation of moving forward. Maybe I will at some point. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to start blogging again with the same frequency that I was in the months immediately following the break-up. I don’t know if there will be more posts that allude either directly or indirectly to my ex and the break-up. It’s situations like this that make me wish I had a terrible memory. If I could just forget the past with the same absent-minded ease that I see in other people, I sometimes think it would make it a lot easier to move forward. Instead of seeing precious memories distorted into painful reminders and tormenting echoes… I would just be contentedly oblivious. Most of the time, it seems like having a sharp memory is a curse rather than a blessing. I wish I didn’t know that.

Anyway, this is my somewhat ragged attempt at admitting and acknowledging where I’m at right now, and committing (again and again) to making a fresh start. I want to keep blogging. I want to “reclaim my territory” on this blog, so to speak.  I want to remember and rediscover who I am, as cliche as that might sound. I’m not really sure what I mean by that. But I’m ready to find out.